On becoming a parent you change immensely. Say goodbye to your old self, a huge metamorphosis takes place. I was Lisa Kelly for a very long time. I got married to a wonderful man six years ago and held onto my maiden name until our first child was born a year later. Then the slow transition to my married name commenced. We moved to Canada in 2011 and the full transformation occurred. I became Lisa Rigney, then mother of two, now three. Lisa Kelly and Lisa Rigney are totally different, we may look the same, but a huge change occurred once I took on the challenging role of a Mother.
The sacrifices we make as parents are huge. As a woman, you sacrifice your body (for the term of the pregnancy and longer), your mind (forever), your freedom (you can’t just go where you like at the drop of a hat anymore) and ALL of your time.
My kids are my priority. I sometimes forget breakfast, to brush my hair. My fashion sense is not what it used to be and I prefer coffee to alcohol!!!
My life changed for the better the day my daughter was born. Things have never been the same since. To bear a child and raise them is the greatest gift which could be bestowed on someone. It is also the most challenging with the role changing on a minute by minute basis.
The Following is what I imagine a prospective embryo would be seeking from a potential Mom:
of Position: Forever.
16 Role Requirements for the position:
Please be advised that this is not exhaustive and WILL absolutely increase on a needs basis.
As mentioned above. This is ongoing. I will need constant love and attention bestowed upon me. Constant. You will need to idolise me and praise me constantly. Further details will be provided on enquiry.
I am unique and special and will need to be protected. I am learning and there are occasions whereby I may choke, fall, drink something I shouldn’t have, I may put questionable objects in my mouth. I may forget to check for cars before crossing the road as I approach toddlerhood. No amount of sets of eyes are enough. You may at times feel like you would like to be an octopus, you will not be alone.
3. Peace Keeper
If you intend to provide me with siblings, be warned, there will be constant arguments over “fresh air”. We will constantly fight over nothing. It will be your job to police these to a satisfactory conclusion. I suggest the use of timeouts, bedroom trips in order for the accused to think. It may be productive to remove the object that has started the battle. Be prepared for lots of arguments and tears.
This leads on from the above point. You are going to have to become a world class negotiator in order to fulfill this role and also to maintain your sanity.
You will need a full clean drivers’ licence and be prepared to chauffeur me around to my activities, playdates etc. Feel free to wear a cap for the role. You will need to protect me (see point 2 above) thereby ensuring that I am put in a safe secure and classy car seat. Please ensure that you strap me in. As I get older I will be able to “use my words” and tell you when you have failed with this task. You may be docked from your non-existent salary if this occurs. Please ensure whilst transporting me that you provide me with a sun visor, refreshments and in house entertainment.
You must have strong organisational skills. You will need to pick out my clothes, dress me, wash me, feed me, chauffeur me and adore me. Shoddy time keeping will not be tolerated.
7. Personal Shopper
You will need to purchase food, beverages, snacks, toys and clothes for me on a CONSTANT basis. You will spend a lot of your time buying things for me. This will NEVER stop.
8. Cleaner/Kitchen Porter
Your role will encompass cleaning, constant cleaning, in fact you will feel like you do absolutely nothing else if you stay at home to raise me. Don’t fret all the necessary tools will be provided for your role. You will generally be holding a sweeping brush in one hand and a cloth in the other as I explore my meals by throwing them EVERYWHERE bar in my mouth.
9. Head Chef
I will accept nothing but the best and then refuse it. Be prepared for this very important aspect of your role. One day I will LOVE a dish and the next I won’t. I will have my favourite foods only to change them as you have prepared them. I will ALWAYS gladly accept sweet products. Just because…..
10. Inn Keeper & Chambermaid
You must keep me warm. A sleep sack for the early days. As I age you will need to puff my pillows, tuck in the corners and ensure my favourite stuffed animal is ready and waiting for when I decide I WANT to sleep.
11. Medical Professional without any qualifications
You will become very acquainted with “viral” infections as I grow. I will have lots of them. I will have common cold after common cold, don’t be alarmed, that’s why it’s known as the common cold. I will frighten the life out of you at times, when I don’t appear to be myself, I become lethargic and don’t eat. Don’t panic, I will do this a lot for different reasons just to spice it up. You will be a regular visitor at the doctors and when you visit him/her alone (very rarely) the doctor will look at you alarmed and wonder where the rest of your brood are. You will never be seen as an individual again.
You will need to feed my insatiable appetite for knowledge on a constant basis. On the flipside you will see the world in a whole new perspective. You will be responsible for how I turn out as a human being, no pressure. Yes everything you teach me will have an impact on the person I become. Be careful the apple doesn’t fall too far from the tree and I will repeat what you say. The may prove to be embarrassing.
13. Financial Consultant
You will need to invest my pennies and give me a good start in life. You will need to teach me the value of money and that it has to be earned. I am going to cost you a fortune.
In the early years, I will talk gibberish which only you and a small number of close family members will understand, but as I grow I am going to come to you looking for advise and assurance and sometimes reassurance, be there for me, 24/7.
15. Provider of Clean Clothes
I must look good at all times. From the day I arrive. In the early days I will spit up on EVERYTHING and you will have a mountain of bibs. When I turn one and pretty much from then on in I will probably need a couple of changes of clothes a day. This is to allow for the obligatory accident, this will invariably involve food and oftentimes even though fully toilet trained I will decide to either pee or poop myself. Have to keep you on your toes. Remember I don’t see you as a person, a times you look like a washing machine to me.
It will be your duty to ensure I am ALWAYS turned out in an impeccable manner (you will be the reverse). Say goodbye to fashion. You won’t be walking on any catwalk anytime soon.
This position also requires the following 10 key attributes:
1. A woman whom is willing to become a host body for 40 weeks of her life to create me. Be warned you will be sacrificing your body, soul and mind.
2. You must give up your ability to think straight, you are going to do some very strange things as your pregnancy develops. Truthfully, the ability to think straight does not return. Completing a thought once you become a mother is fruitless. On the upside, you will have a wonderful ability to jump from topic to topic and know exactly where you were in a conversation with another…..mother!
3. A very strong pain threshold, this position is not for the faint of heart. Delivering me to the world is going to take A LOT of work. I will be worth it.
4. You must possess the ability to tell mistruths (short term requirement) to EVERYONE even if you are OBVIOUSLY pregnant until after your first scan. However, you are allowed confide in a small circle of perhaps 2-3 people, after all you need a little sympathy to get you through this first trimester.
5. You must sacrifice your social life for the next 18 years!!! You will be too uncomfortable to sit while pregnant and too tired once I arrive. On the upside the bath will become your new best friend and you’ll be extremely clean.
6. Things will change. Your sense of smell will overwhelm you. A prior good sense of smell will be of superpower level. This may add to your nauseous state. Sorry. Furthermore, the taste of metal in your mouth will put you off a variety of foods, actually you will go off a variety of foods for no particular reason.
7. Be prepared to say goodbye to your feet. You will not see them again for a very very long time and they may even be larger when you meet again. Actually as you delve deep into your pregnancy be prepared not to see much of your body bar the growing bump. Do not be alarmed if you see an arm/leg or backside poking from your middle section, you will get used to this sight.
8. Be careful whilst dicing vegetables, you have a whole lot of extra blood. It takes about two days to stop a little cut from bleeding.
9. If you, the host body, become ill, don’t bother going to the doctor or pharmacist as you are NOT allowed ANYTHING. You must suffer. You will feel nauseous (you may even vomit) for a number of weeks/months. Again, sorry.
10. This role is 24/7 with absolutely no breaks. This is very important to consider. Even when you are sleeping you are not actually sleeping. You will not have a deep sleep until I am again at least eighteen.
It never stops. This role. I now find I only survive with noise and chaos. At a recent visit to the doctor, I lost the prescription he had given me, the reason, I was alone, I was not distracted. The kids were not with me and I have no idea where I put that prescription. If they were with me, wouldn’t have happened. As always…….
- Never a dull moment in this
- Keep sane
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