Just Let Go.

Written by

Published Sep 12, 2016

Those that know me, know that I like control. I lack patience. And I, am a planner. My sons birth went against ALL of these things. The day he was born taught me that sometimes in life, we have to just let go...

Instead of verbally sharing my birth story with everyone, I decided to write it out for you all, and for myself. It was SUCH an emotionally charged day that I wanted to have this as a written memory to look back on and read and remember in the years to come. So enjoy, and read to the end! Trust me, it gets good!

 

Canada Day, 5:08am…. I woke up to use the washroom and the minute I opened my eyes, knew my water was breaking as I lied there. I stood up and GUSH all over the carpet even more! Ran to the bathroom….still coming. OMG – here we go! I was SO excited that I got to experience this because both Marijah and Terrace were induced labors, so I had no idea what it felt like for things to happen on their own! I woke Jace up and within 15 minutes – of course after a quick make up application – we were on route to the hospital.

 

I was having contractions immediately and thought this baby would be here within an hour or two max, especially after being told that because Terrace was so fast, and this was my 3rd child – things would go at warp speed….as my husband would say, “A lie!”

 

We got to the hospital and were put into a triage area in the Maternity Ward…aka make shift room…until they assessed me and watched how things were going to progress. We walked …and ate …and walked…and walked…and exercise ball’d it for hours! I was checked and was 2-3cm dilated. Contractions were consistent and definitely still manageable. During my pregnancy until 36 weeks, I had Placenta Previa. Long story short – it’s when the placenta is too low and you automatically become a candidate for a C Section because the cervix is being blocked and baby won’t safely be able to come out. At 37 weeks, we had an ultrasound that stated that my placenta had moved and we no longer had to worry about having the surgery – I was finally all clear for a vaginal delivery and “NO, the placenta can NOT move back down so do not worry about things changing.”….. Now skip ahead to me getting checked…”You’re 2-3 cm dilated…and I can feel a ridge on your cervix. I think it is your placenta (which yes, would mean it came down again). In all my 28 years of doing this, I have never felt that before so I think we need to get the specialist to come and take a look”

 

If I explain every little detail, this birth story will be 17 pages so I won’t, but you can imagine our confusion and concern when the Dr said this.” I thought the placenta CAN NOT come back down?” From that point on in my labor, I was reminded that this entire day…night….however long it was going to be was completely out of my hands and in God’s hands. Whatever him and the baby had in mind for our labor, was what was going to be….

 

The specialist came and yes, my placenta was low again. But, he was confident that I could still go ahead and try to have a regular birth so we went with his word and that was “the plan.” (Note to self: the word PLAN does not exist during labor) They admitted us into a beautiful room, Room #3 – ocean view and all - and this would be where the magic would happen. I was hooked up to the baby/contraction monitor, we were introduced to our amazing nurse Grace (how fitting!) and away we went. My contractions were picking up, we were patiently progressing as we watched them getting stronger and baby was happy and healthy with no issues what so ever.

The Dr came again and checked me a few hours later and even though it felt like things were changing, I was still 2-3cm dilated. The Oxytocin IV was wheeled in and I became a water balloon. Slowly but surely filling up with Saline and Oxy hoping to get things going stronger and helping my cervix to open up. We started out at a 2ml dose of the drug and ended up at 20ml – which is the maximum the nurses are allowed to give! The Dr came in and used the hook to make sure ALL of my waters had broken and that nothing was possibly holding up my labor that he could help out with. A few contractions here and there were taking my breath away and moving around became more and more uncomfortable. I started feeling that “pressure in the bum” feeling that anyone that’s had a baby knows about….and when we feel that, things are getting close! Grace called the Dr. in and actually started prepping things for when I was going to start pushing….

 

“Still 2-3 cm Crystal. The decision is up to you but you’ve been at this for a long time. His head is still high and he’s not come down yet. I have a feeling he is face up which would mean it’s very hard for him to tuck his chin and get into the birth canal but there’s just no knowing. I am comfortable with whatever you decide you’d like to do…”

We had now been at the hospital for a good 15 hours. I had been in labor for all of these 15 hours. I had been having Oxytocin pumped into me at a high dose for HOURS. And nothing was happening. Unfortunately, because my water broke, I couldn’t just sit and labor for the next 4 days and let my body go at its own pace. Everything in me wanted a regular delivery. Everything in me wanted to experience every little part of it with my husband. Even the excruciating pain. I wanted to squeeze his hand. I wanted to look into his eyes. I wanted to go through all of it. I looked at Jace and he told me that he would support whatever I felt we should do. Against what I WANTED, my whole being was telling me what I NEEDED to do. A voice, so loudly, was telling me that I needed to choose to have a C Section. So, I did. I told the Dr that I felt that was the route we should take…

 

We were left to have a few minutes together before things got going. Jace and I held hands and prayed that God would cover us during this time and that everything would be OK. I had never even had a tooth pulled so the thought of a surgery – while awake – So. Scary.  I have never been so in love with my husband as I was on this day. He was so easy. So loving. So patient. My only reason for not completely losing it was because of this baby on my inside and my husband on the outside.

 

Before we knew it, these guys work FAST – the doctors and nurses came in and Jace was in his scrubs - looking like he was all ready for his cameo on Greys Anatomy ( next lifetime babe, definitely consider being a surgeon – it’s a good look on you xoxo) They wheeled us downstairs to the Operating Room area and one by one, the staff came out and introduced themselves to us before we were taken in.

 

The Anesthesiologist came up to us with a somewhat concerned sound in his voice. Very calmly he said, “You’ve had some blood work done that could possibly suggest you have a mild bleeding disorder. There is no way possible that I can take the risk of putting a spinal in your back. If you had a bleed, you could be paralyzed.”

Can you imagine? I can’t even explain how his words felt…the level of emotion I felt in this very second….indescribable.  So what does that mean? That we are holding off on delivery until we know more? That I can’t be frozen? What?????

 

“So, we will need to put you under General Anesthetic Crystal. You will be asleep. And Jace will not be allowed to be present while the surgery is taking place.”

 

I am crying right now just writing this! In that very moment, the amount of questions yet the amount of silence that simultaneously take over your mind….Speechless. Absolutely heartbroken but with barely enough time to even focus on it. Knowing we literally had seconds before they were going to wheel me into this room. To put me to sleep. And to tell my husband to stand outside the door while his son was being born….. So who was going to watch this miracle take place?

 

God. God would watch. God would take the roll of both Jace and I and make sure everything was ok. He would witness the miracle for us both and put enough love in both of our hearts to know that whatever happened that we didn’t see….He will show us in other ways. (I know some of you aren’t religious – but in this moment – whoever or whatever you believe in becomes your EVERYTHING)

 

I looked at Jace as they began to push me away – we said our I love you’s and before I knew it, I was in the OR. With countless people around me, grabbing at all my limbs, talking amongst each other about what was going to be happening to me. My arms were strapped down. My belly was rubbed down….there was some extremely invasive action going on below the belt…Aaand a mask coming onto my face and a lady asking me about a beach. That’s the last thing I remember.

 

A 30 minute surgery.  A nurse that thankfully came out and let Jace come and meet his newborn son after they weighed and measured him. A 2 hour recovery room session for mama while daddy waited skin to skin with baby up in our room….and we were all done. I don’t remember a thing other than seeing two ladies on either side of me when I woke up. They wheeled me upstairs and unfortunately I don’t remember very much of that. Jace has told me everything that happened but it’s almost all a blur still. I remember feeling like I had the best sleep of my life and seeing Grey and telling Jace “He’s so perfect.” The Dr came to see how we were doing the next morning and actually told us that the baby wasn’t facing the right way and that that’s the reason he wasn’t coming down into my birth canal. He was also slightly tilted to the side so things weren’t lined up quite enough for my labor to progress. So, our decision was a good one. My intuition... The voice I heard was all for a reason.

 

It’s not an ideal story by any means. I would have given anything for us to see our son come into this world. Anything to have him see his mommy and daddy as soon as he was born. But Grey is healthy. And he is completely amazing. And on July 1st, 2016, some kind of magic took place. Magic always has mystery to it and leaves us in awe. It also leaves us wondering Why?

Were ok with not knowing. Everything happens for a reason. We are truly blessed and that is ALL that matters now.

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Crystal Keating

Written by Crystal Keating



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